The holiday season is mere
weeks away and our ambitions to fit into that cute sleeveless
Little Black Dress gain strength. But who has time or energy
to work out? Good news Moms: Turns out you already are.
As a public service I just wanted to remind you of all of
the exercising you’re already doing.
The Toddler Squat: If
you are the parent of a child between the ages of approximately
one and four, you will spend a huge and torturous amount
of time squatting ungracefully in front of them in order
to zip up coats, tie shoes, wipe noses, scrub away crusted-on
ketchup, discipline (i.e. yell at them, in their face),
and pull up unintentional low rise pants (yours), pull-ups
that are pulled down at inopportune moments (theirs), and
assorted other items that keep falling off, untying and
getting dirty. Stand in your front hallway and squat. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat.
The Arm Stretch and Tone: Children of all
ages like to hide personal belongings, or even better, perishable
food items, underneath and behind heavy immovable pieces
of furniture in your house. This will require you to lie
down, bend over, or reach behind these objects while performing
arm stretches which threaten to remove your shoulder joint
from its socket. Wiggling fingers is a mandatory part of
this exercise. If you can practice this maneuver before
the item actually makes its way under the furniture, the
eventual recovery of said item will be much easier.
Car Seat Resistance Training: Almost from
birth, and certainly up to the age of five, children will
take every opportunity to fight car seat confinement. This
is most effectively achieved by back arching, kicking, and
arm flailing. It will take all of your strength and toning
skills to firmly place the child in the seat while not snapping
limbs (theirs), breaking plastic buckles or getting kicked
in the face by a tiny dirty boot. You will likely even break
a sweat on this one. You could recruit the family pet to
help you with this one, but it might get ugly. You’re
better off with a practice makes perfect approach, customized
according to the appropriate child.
Butt-numbing “hold” position: As
the parent of relative young children, you will sit on hardwood
floors, cross-legged (oh, yes, you did sprain that ankle
about ten years ago and it still hurts when you do this),
playing innumerable games of blocks, trains, cars, puzzles,
marbles, weird pointy plastic thingys and other assorted
mind- and butt-numbing pastimes. (This is one occasion where
a well-padded seat is a blessing.)
Bathroom sprint: An essential skill to
master, the Bathroom Sprint should be practiced both from
various locations in the house and in commonly frequented
public places. Not motivated? Imagine yourself at 5 p.m.,
not having had a minute to go since 10 a.m. that morning.
One good sneeze could ruin the only good pair of pants that
you own. Or, picture this: racing around the store/library/mall/community
centre trying to find relief for your “pee-dancing”
four-year-old, who was fine when you left the house five
minutes earlier. The best incentive of all? Knowing that
once you dash down that hallway and leap into the bathroom,
you might just find some peace and quiet for three-and-a-half
minutes. Well, okay. They’ll discover that you’re
missing after about thirteen seconds, but with a locking
door you can extend your escape to close to a minute.
The Flying Urination Tactic: This particular
movement is meant to ward off that charming attack preferred
by infant boys (children still engaging in this type of
warfare after the age of seven should be sent straight to
boarding school). You know the one I mean—straight
up into the mouth, eyes, nostrils or onto a favourite (and
recently dry cleaned) silk blouse.
The Innocent Bystander Movement: Children
who can hit a neighbour’s window—bulls-eye—with
a softball can rarely hit their sister across the dinner
table with a loaded spoonful of mashed potatoes, peas, or
even mayonnaise. It will hit you, every time. Practice spotting
the tell-tale catapult movement just prior to the attack.
Then, duck.
The Flying Boot Maneuver: Sitting down
and gently pulling off muddy boots takes up valuable time
in a five-year-old’s day. The preferred method is
to stand on one foot, grasp the antique hall table with
a sticky hand, and shake the other foot until the boot is
dislodged and sent flying into your new suede jacket, your
head, or the sleeping infant in your arms. Duct taping boots
to your child’s pants is a reasonable preventative
measure to avoid strenuous ducking and dodging.
The Vomitron: Young children like to be
on the move when throwing up—projectile or otherwise.
In your attempt to save the area rug you may find yourself
right in the line of fire. Some fancy footwork may be required
to herd the puking child to the nearest toilet bowl while
simultaneously warding off bodily fluids.
|
